An Entry from my Journal

The past three weeks or so, my life has been pretty different. One man has had a huge impact on my life and now he can't be a part of it. We knew all along that it could never be. We didn't even think those feelings were there anymore. He probably never even knew I had feelings for him-ever. That is, until I told him I wish he were different in one aspect of his life. If he were, I would at least try to make it work between us. He went out of his way and comfort zone for me day after day after day. Our "relationship", if you could call it that, was brief (thought we've known each other for years). But I can honestly say it was the best I ever had. It was fun. It was innocent. It was lovely, It was adventurous. It was challenging. It was sweet. It was honest. It was painful. It was full of love and admiration and respect for each other. he was my companion in life and I cherished every moment of it. It's only when we remembered reality that we were saddened by our fairy tale romance that wouldn't end in "happily ever after." I cannot even fathom the idea that there is someone out there for me that is not him. A friend, trying to console me I'm sure, said that by next month there will be another man in my life I will have to deal with. She has no idea! Of all the men that have been in and out of my life-noone has had this kind of affect on me-Never. And I don't expect it to happen again any time soon. Nor do I want it to. I want it to be with him. Why do I want what I can't have? Our last night together we did everything we could to keep the night from coming to an end. I lost it completely when he was out of sight. I was screaming and beating the steering wheel. I felt like I did when Brian died: angry, confused, sad, and totally in denial. I was mostly just angry. Why would we have something so amazing that could never continue to develop?